In the counselling room, I often hear versions of:
- “Everyone else seems to sail through life - why can’t I get it right”
- “I just want to be normal”
- “I won’t try anything new because I’ll look stupid if I don’t know how to do it”
- “Compliments make me so uncomfortable!”
- “I’d never talk to a friend the way I talk to myself”.
People don’t often use the words low self-esteem or self-criticism, but this is what they’re describing. Both can be exhausting to live with.
This blog is for anyone who recognises themselves in those words and wants to understand why it feels so hard and how to respond to it with more self-compassion.
What healthy self-esteem really is
Healthy self-esteem isn’t about thinking you’re brilliant or better than others. It’s about having a steady sense of worth, whether things go right or wrong. A person with healthy self-esteem can:
- Recognise their own worth and the worth of others
- See their strengths without exaggerating them
- Acknowledge their limitations without shame
- Feel proud of some things - and regret others, without collapsing into self-attack.
When things go wrong, someone with healthy self-esteem might say:
- “I’m disappointed, but I’m ok”
- “I made a mistake, but it doesn’t define me”
- “I can learn from this without beating myself up”
Healthy self-esteem is really about basic self-respect – not making your worth conditional on achievement, appearance, usefulness or anything else.
What dogs can teach us here
I am a huge fan of dogs. They don’t tie their value to productivity or performance or tell themselves “I’ll be worthy when X happens”. They just are worthy and they assume that they will be welcome as a result. Because of that, they can:
- Make mistakes without shame
- Rest without guilt
- Express their needs openly
- Receive care without deflecting (“I don’t deserve this” is not in my dog’s vocabulary).
Dogs embody the kind of unconditional worth that humans often lose – but can re-learn.
What Low Self-Esteem Is
Low self-esteem means you make negative judgements about yourself much of the time. Your background belief becomes I am not enough or I am too much. They look opposite, but come from the same place - a sense that your worth is conditional.
Low self-esteem is not a personality flaw. It’s usually the result of old messages, experiences, or relationships that shaped how you learned to see yourself.
People often imagine a person with low self-esteem to look shy and withdrawn. It can look like that, but it can also look like:
- A high-achieving perfectionist, pushing themselves relentlessly
- Someone overly responsible, fixing what isn’t theirs to fix
- The person who masks insecurity with humour and/or competence
- The one who never stops because rest is “not allowed”
- The people-pleaser who says yes to avoid conflict or disapproval
- The friend who withdraws after a setback because they feel ashamed
What dogs can teach us here
Dogs don’t question if they are “too much” or “not enough.” They also don’t seem to compare themselves to other dogs, or to hide their quirks. They simply show up as they are – imperfect, messy, open to connecting with others.
What shapes self-esteem
Self-esteem is shaped by :
- The messages you received growing up
- The relationships you experienced
- What you learned you must be (or do) in order to belong or be loved
- Cultural and societal expectations
- Comparison with others (especially online)
It’s not something you are born with or without – it forms in your emotional environment.
If you grew up with warmth, acceptance, and room to be imperfect, you’re more likely to develop a steady sense of worth. If you grew up with criticism, unpredictability, pressure, or conditional approval, self-esteem can be less robust.
What Self-Criticism is
Self-criticism is the voice that grows out low self-esteem. It sounds like:
- “You’re going to fail”
- “You’re falling behind everyone else”
- “You’re too emotional/sensitive”
Your inner critic acts as an enforcer of the rules you absorbed earlier in your life about what makes you acceptable. It is the voice of externally imposed “shoulds” and “musts” – not the truth of who you are.
The vicious circle of low self-esteem and self-criticism
It is easy to get trapped in a loop that goes something like this:
- External “shoulds” and “musts” – I must be X/Y/Z to be acceptable.
- Low self-esteem – I’m not enough unless I’m being those things.
- Inner critic – You’re failing at X!
- Reinforced low self-esteem – I knew I wasn’t enough.
- Back to Step One.
- Carry on looping.
How counselling interrupts the loop
Humanistic counselling gently changes things by offering what many people have never experienced:
- A therapeutic relationship where worth is not conditional on anything
- Acceptance without performance
- Warmth without “earning” it
- Space to be imperfect
- Curiosity in place of judgement
Over time, the experience of being accepted in counselling helps people internalise a new message:
“I am allowed to be human – and still have worth”
When that message takes root, the inner critic naturally softens. Self-esteem becomes steadier. Life becomes less about proving yourself and more about being yourself.
And the dogs?
They’ve known this all along. They seem to just know that they have worth, that rest is necessary, that fun is essential and that love does not have to be earned. We can learn a lot from their uncomplicated, accepting relationship with themselves.
Credits: "Self Esteem" photo by Pawel Czerwinski on Unsplash
