Anger makes many of us uncomfortable – both when we see it in others and when we feel it in ourselves. You might recognise yourself in one of these situations:
- A loved one struggles with anger – like a third of UK adults, you may have a friend of family member who finds it hard to control their anger. [1]
- You worry about your own anger – around one in eight people feel concerned about how they manage anger. [2]
- You notice mixed messages about anger – society often approves of anger in some people or situations and criticises it in others.
If this leaves you wondering whether anger can ever be healthy – and whether your anger is “ok,” this blog introduces some ideas to consider.
What do we mean by Anger, Aggression and Assertiveness?
These words are often used interchangeably, but describe different things:
- Anger – an internal feeling that makes us want to push back against something we see as unfair, threatening or wrong. It’s an emotion, which is not visible to others.
- Aggression – when anger turns into action with the intention to cause harm (verbal or physical).
- Assertiveness – expressing our needs or boundaries clearly and respectfully, without intending harm.
Understanding the difference helps us see that anger itself is not the problem. What matters is how we respond to it.
Why do we feel anger?
Anger is one of our core human emotions. It has helped us survive as individuals and as a species. Three main influences shape how we experience and express it:
1. Our evolutionary wiring
We are built with a “fight, flight or freeze” response to threats. Anger is part of the fight response – not necessarily physical fighting, but any action aimed at correcting a perceived wrong. This can include healthy assertiveness, not just aggression.
2. What we learned growing up
Families, peers, workplaces and culture all model anger and anger responses to us. Many of our anger habits are learned – and can be unlearned.
3. Social expectations
We quickly learn which anger is approved of and which is condemned. For example:
- “Don’t mess with Mumma bear” praises women’s protective anger.
- “Angry Karen” mocks women who express anger for their own needs.
- “He’s a warrior” celebrates men’s anger as strength.
- “Toxic masculinity” is sometimes misused to shame any male anger, even when appropriate.
These mixed messages can leave us confused about whether our anger is acceptable.
Is Anger good or bad?
Anger is often labelled as “bad” or “too much” but healthy anger is essential to psychological health – it signals that something matters, that a boundary has been crossed, or that a need is unmet.
However, when anger becomes aggression, it can cause real harm. Problem anger is linked with physical health issues, relationship difficulties and emotional distress.
A helpful distinction is:
- Healthy anger – you can feel it, express it, and regulate it without damaging relationships or becoming overwhelmed.
- Problem anger –leads to significant difficulties in your thinking, feeling and behaviour and causes significant difficulties in your relationships with others.
Do men and women experience anger differently?
People often believe that men feel and express more anger than women. Research shows a more nuanced picture:
- Women tend to feel anger more often and for longer, but with a lower peak intensity.
- Men tend to feel anger less often, but when it appears it is often more intense.
- Men’s anger is more often triggered by strangers, women’s by family or friends.
In other words, there are more similarities than differences, but society interprets and judges anger differently depending on who expresses it, and to whom.
How counselling understands Anger
In counselling, anger is not something to “get rid of.” Instead, we approach it with curiosity and respect. Anger can be:
- A signal that something important is happening.
- A pointer towards unmet needs.
- A sign that boundaries need attention.
- A protective response to hurt or fear.
If you come to counselling to explore anger, the focus is not on judgement, but on understanding. We hold in mind that:
- Avoiding or suppressing anger can keep you stuck.
- Exploring your beliefs and experiences of anger helps separate out what is yours and what is just habit or learned behaviour.
- Processing anger safely in the therapy room can reduce the fear of it.
- Anger often masks a more vulnerable emotion – commonly sadness.
A final thought
Anger is part of being human – babies show it in the first year of life. Learning to understand anger – rather than fear it – can reduce shame, increase self-acceptance, and help you connect with others in healthier ways.
Sources
1-2: Mental Health Foundation (2008) Boiling Point: Problem anger and what we can do about it. Available at: https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/explore-mental-health/publications/boiling-point
Photo by Steve A Johnson on Unsplash
